Fantasy Football

So, tonight is my annual fantasy football draft.  It is not my favorite night.  A friend once asked me to explain the intricacies of the National Football League.  I relayed that a douche bag that is infected with entirely too much self worth throws an irritatingly odd shaped ball across the field to an even bigger douche bag with the ego the size of my tummy.  He catches this ball and runs past the safety who is just as fast as the douche bag that caught the ball but he doesn't know how to catch so the coaches put him on defense.  So his job is to tackle the the doucher with the ball.  They do this all game until the guy who majored in accounting comes and kicks a ball between two sticks.  The game ends when one of the players robs someone or shoots themselves in the leg with a concealed pistol.  Hall of Famers are allowed to engage in statutory rape where appropriate.

But all this is not my beef with the NFL and fantasy drafting. These are:

1) Forcing a Statistics based game into the NFL format.  Granted this works for offense, albeit not very well.  But then they throw defense in as one small, general entity of a football game.  I think the 2005 Steelers would argue that defense makes up a bigger role than just one of eight specialized fantasy roles.

2) Injuries - The biggest complaint about fantasy baseball is that it takes too long.  Well football may be played once a week but everyday one of my players is subjected to turf toe, abdominal strain, or just plain homesickness.  Well I am tired of it.  Not because I have to put in Pierre Garcon for Hines Ward every other day but because the NFL gives you cute little terms for how hurt a player is.  I get IR (injured reserve), NA (not active), O (out) but the rest just frustrate. 

   Day-to-Day - This means one of two things.  Either your featured back is going through an amputation and the team is disguising his horrible injury as a day-to-day phenomena or he is completely fine and they want you to think he is impaled with something painful.  It is rarely an actual day-to-day phenomena.

   Doubtful -  adj. Not known with certainty: As in - Felix Jones was listed as doubtful so I kept him out of my lineup.  He then ran for 500 yards and ended world hunger so I lost my weekly match-up to Teabaggers Anonymous. 

   Probable - adj. Likely to be the case or to happen: As in - Visanthe Shiancoe is listed as probable.  I can be 100% sure that he will play which makes the probable label a misnomer and he should be fucking listed as "totes."

   Questionable -adj. inviting inquiry As in:  Rex Ryan labeled Mark Sanchez as questionable this week.  Rex Ryan is fat and I wish he would be more direct with his status of his players ability to play. 

All this means is that you can't trust if your stud wide out is going to play, play well, or even show up.  So you scour new sources every minute to gauge if the injury report is erroneous, fact, or somewhere in between. 

3) Crime - This one is bigger than you think.  Nowhere else in sports do you have to draft with the assumption that your player may or may not be at some point in the year speeding across state lines with a dead body in the trunk.  Please draft players with a little to no predilection to break federal and state crimes between September and January.

 4) Kickers - Really.  I have to really draft a kicker.  These guys are semi-football players at best.  You are telling me they hold almost the same weight as defense?  I thought it sucked giant donkey nuts drafting three closers in baseball but drafting one kicker in any round just feels like...Well it feels a little like dying.  I don't like that feeling and I don't like you Akers.

With that I hope to wake up tomorrow with the Rams defense solidly in tow and my first weekly match up to be against the Walla Walla Up Your Butts.  They after all make the Justin Bieber Reduxes look like the Frosted Corn Holes.  At least in my league they do. 

Bits of Tid IV

SICK

Sometimes I come across something that for lack of a better term is just sick. Redskins WR Keith Eloi simply astonishes with his ability to jump. It usually takes me a few moments to wade myself out of a pool. Eloi can do it in a split second, from a standing position, in three feet of water.



Now if that wasn't crazy, ill, stupid, dope, enough, Eloi takes a crack at getting into the bed of a truck, from a standing position, surrounded by hype men. This clip actually surfaced before the pool clip. Jarron Gilbert (Bears) was the first to jump out of a pool and Eloi wanted to one up him.



Please note that he jumped into the bed of a truck with sandals on. Rest assured that anytime I have sandals on I will not be attempting amazing physical feats.

10 PREMATURE CELEBRATIONS

Maybe your Friday is not going so well. It could be worse.



ALL-TIME BASEBALL MOVIE LINEUP

Lineup
CF Willie Mays Hayes
C Dottie Hinson
SS Marla Hooch
RF Roy Hobbes
LF Pedro Cerano/Max 'Hammer' Dubois
1B Jack Elliot
2B Michael 'Squints' Palledorous
3B Roger Dorn
Pitcher Spot

Rote
Henry Rowengartner
Billy Chapel
Eddie Harris
Kit Keller
Kenny DeNunez

CL
Rick Vaughn

All in all a substantial OBP team. I have Hayes getting on base at a regular clip. He gives pitchers headaches with his speed and tenacity. Hinson is a power hitting righty with a good eye. Her ability to lay off the high ones should allow for more RBI's for our 3-4-5 hitters. Here is where there is some controversy. Both Roy Hobbes and Marla Hooch are natural left handed sweet swingers. I figure the fact that Hooch can switch hit gives us a little leeway at the third position.

My fifth and sixth hitters give me trouble during the season as both Cerrano and Jack Elliot go through dry spells where they can't hit the breaking stuff. The only caveat is when Pedro Cerrano is actually playing 'Hammer' Dubois of the Chunichi Dragons, then he is just solid all around. I just hate that I never know what Dennis Haysbert I am getting before the game you know? Seven and Eight spots go to my defensive specialists. If they get on the base paths well that's just icing on the cake and a real problem for the opposition.

The pitching rotation is just stacked. I have an ace that will consistently throw over 100 m.p.h. in Henry Rowengartner. More than that, I am blessed with some solid vets to show him the way. Billy Chapel has one last year left in him and Harris is best described as crafty. My only problem is Kit Keller who can be a real bitch sometimes especially when she gets traded and her big sister loses the game for the Rockford Peaches on purpose just to satisfy her little sister's humongous ego. What a fuc... Well I digress.

There you have it. Solid!

Bits of Tid III

Just Say No

I love sports. I love athletes. I want to meet athletes. However, if a present or former NFL player ever asks you to hang out, just say no. It has become blatantly obvious to me that NFL players are the rootinest, tootinest people on earth. When they aren't shooting people, dogs, or drugs, they are shooting themselves. So as you enter the weekend, remember to have fun. But most importantly remember, if you see a NFL player, past or present, go home. Some stuff is about to occur.

Keep Your Day Job

After Nordberg was sentenced today, every news organization rushed to give the waiting public some semblance of years that would be served. What became clear was the fact that news organizations are not good with numbers. Three hours later I am still unable to decipher just how long Nordberg will be serving time in jail for beating up Rodney King. All I know is Naked Gun was an awesome trilogy and O.J. can kidnap me anytime. Well at least when he gets out in five, or six, or fifteen, or sixteen, or 33 years.

Holidays!

As the holiday season progresses and the wintry temperature in L.A. dips well below 80 degrees I become entranced in what is soon to be. My predictions for the next couple weeks:

I will gain weight and not realize it until I fall asleep one day from "too many cookies."

America's team, The Dallas Cowboys, will fail to make the playoffs as a special pre-Christmas gift to those Americans that never ever considered this team to be "America's team."

I will wish I had more Mexican friends to watch holiday soccer with.

Manny Ramirez will sign with the Anaheim Angels as the Dodgers look to over pay for someone past their prime.

My readership will jump to two as I decide to read my own blogs.

Favre TEXT message

ESPN reported today that Brett Favre texted Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson in regards to his retirement. It seems as though Favre (pronounced farv) really, really, wants to play. So he decided to hit up Thompson (pronounced thps) on his celly. Well it turns out that we here at Blog Sport have just received the actual text messages sent back and forth betwixt the two.

7/7/08
Favre: OMG I WANT TO QB NXT YR PLS
Thompson: WTF DONT DO THIS
Favre: IM SORRY I LEFT NOT MY BAD
Thompson: U MAD UP UR MIND U SAID WE WERE DUNSOS
Favre: U NO HOW I GET LOL?
Thompson: WE CANT DO THIS
Thompson: THIS IS GETTING WEIRD I HAVE A-ROG NOW
Favre: IS IT BETTER?
Thompson: DONT
Favre: LOL - NO SERIOUS IS IT BETTER
Thompson: ITS JUST DIFFERNT
Favre: TAKE ME BACK PLS XOXOXOO
Thompson: WE STILL TALKING ABOUT QBing RT?
Favre: 4 SURE ;)

7/8/08
Favre: MAD?
Thompson: hw cn i B?
Favre: U don't need AARON u need ME
Thompson: U CANT KEEP DOING THIS!!!
Favre: Sorry member XXXI?
Thompson: WAT M I GOING TO DO WIT U
Thompson: PINKY SWEARS U WILL NEVER LEAVE
Favre: i feel like i never did 143
Thompson: 143

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