Playoffs: The Senior Circuit

Rockies v. Phillies

The Rockies are as enigmatic as the division in which they play in. Touted as a young team on the rise, the Rockies started the season as underachievers.

I would also like to take this time to throw a special shout out to my boy Garrett Atkins whom I drafted in the 7th round of my fantasy league this year. Atkins was supposed to be the slugger the Rockies desperately needed this season. He is now backing up Ian Stewart at third base. Let me put this in perspective for you Garrett, Dexter Fowler is getting more hacks then you right now. Dexter weighs a little more than a fat infant and he is getting the nod over you in crunch time. I hate you. I’m sorry - I just really could have used the power from that position this year.

Anyway, they would hit their low point of 12 games under .500 in the beginning of June. Management felt not enough was being done with the talent on the roster and manager Clint Hurdle was fired. That being said, the Rockies have been the hottest team in baseball since the break. Jim Tracy has brought back a sense of calm to the young dugout. Starters such as Troy Tulowitzki feel at ease knowing that their skipper has faith in them. The players have dutifully rewarded him with solid defense, consistent hitting, and a playoff berth. If Jorge De La Rosa can be fit to pitch in this series Colorado’s chances skyrocket.

Please don’t misconstrue me. The Phillies should win this series. They have a better roster and won it last year. That should be the end of the argument. But what fun would sports be if great teams didn’t have at least one fatal flaw? The problem for Philly is in their bullpen.

While the Rockies are trying to maintain their heat, the Phillies are trying to return to postseason form. Last year Philadelphia had a seasoned and lethal bullpen. They played with a confidence after the seventh inning not many could. Unfortunately for the defending Champions Brad Lidge has gone from a lights out solution in the ninth to a shaky proposition. There is no doubt that Philly touts a better lineup and starting rotation in a short series. They have the power to make short work of the Rockies. The only caveat will come when Hamels, Lee, or Blanton have to surrender the ball to the bully.

Cardinals v. Dodgers

With Torre and LaRussa at their respective helms, the Dodgers-Cardinals series will be an interesting exhibition in strategy. And we all know how exciting baseball strategy exhibitions can be.

The Dodgers come in with the best record in the National League but may just be the underdog in this one. Both teams tout a stunning lineup of speed and power. The Cardinals have a lethal combo of Pujols and Holliday. Either of which can turn the game around in one swing. The Dodgers counter with Manny Ramirez whom the Dodgers are confident will turn things around for the series. They also feature one of the best hitting center fielders in Matt Kemp. He is not only adept in the batter’s box but also on the base paths. Oh, I almost forgot the stunning contribution Jim Thome brings to the table for the Dodgers. His ability to fly out in crucial situation may prove vital in the week ahead.

The game changer comes in the form of the starting rotations. St. Louis has two of the best in baseball in Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter. The Dodgers have used the entire season to piecemeal a consistent rotation together. With Billingsley unable to throw anything but fastballs down the middle, Joe Torre will call on Randy Wolf to lead the Dodgers in game 1. The only confidence this brings LA fans is that Wolf is left handed and the Cardinals seem befuddled by these types of people this season. This will be a close series if the Dodgers take game 1. However if they lose home field advantage you can buy tickets for St. Louis in the League Championship series.

Baseball Bits

We are at that funky time of the season where a lot does not matter. Most teams are locked into early winter breaks or about to make a run at a World Series title. There may be a nice race in Minnesota/Detroit but since neither is representing the American League in late October let’s just ignore them completely:

Kip Wells the Human Pitching Machine

Kip Wells finally got the Cardinals back on track today, too bad he pitches for the Reds. Both he and reliever Micah Owings combined to give up nine runs in a little over four innings. I don’t know what it takes to be a pitcher in Cincinnati but I am pretty sure the prerequisites consist of an ERA above five and a penchant to throw the ball over the plate.

Chris Carpenter chimed in with six RBI’s including a grand slam off of Wells in the 2nd inning. Troy Glaus got into the mix with his first RBI this season. Yes, the Cardinals starting pitcher and fresh off the DL third baseman combined for 8 RBI’s today off what the Red’s are calling pitchers now-a-days. I am seriously considering hiring Kip Wells to throw me batting practice when I am having a bad day. I hear he might be available soon.

At least they aren’t the Orioles

The Mets will be damned if they have anyone healthy to end the season. Jose Reyes was threatening to end September with a fully healed hamstring. The Mets staff quickly nipped that in the bud and ran Reyes in practice until he was good and re-injured. He is now out for the remainder of the season, all three games. Most would have opted to sit Reyes down and avoid pesky distractions the offseason can bring like surgery on an injured hamstring. Such is not the way of the Mets. This news was followed by the revelation that ticket prices for the Mets will be down 20% next year. I feel this was necessitated by the fact that their best players this year were Angel Pagan and Luis Castillo. You can’t charge big league prices when best and healthiest mean the exact same thing in your organization.

Any day now

I have a sneaking suspicion that the Dodgers believe the National League will clinch itself. Watching Mark Loretta try to field a ball last night, I could come to no other conclusion. Much like Manny running down a routine fly ball in left field, the Dodgers will make clinching their division look as hard as possible. I don’t like Los Angeles’ chances after that as their rotation has looked surprisingly like the quality staff of arms they have over there in Cincinnati.

A wee bit old

I'm turning 30 this year. While the number has no real meaning to me, the physical limitations that coincide are becoming more and more frustrating. Now I am not old. I know that. I realize that. I can gain a lot by relying on that fact. But I am older. The fact that it is now noticeable is quite disconcerting. Here some examples:

Stairs. I used to be able to go up stairs. Now I'm not a complete waste. I can manage a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat, but I am breathing harder than when I started. If I take two or more flights I experience chaffing thighs, runners high, and distinct feelings of regret. Now I can blame my physique but that would necessitate action and I'm content blaming my age and looking for escalators from here on out.

Drinking. I remember the days when a hangover consisted of brief bouts of puking with elongated headaches. Those were the days. Hangovers now consist of headaches, nausea, dirtying of chonies, lying to loved ones, and complete apathy to live for a week or so.

Pants. I remember the days I dressed depending on how I wanted to look that night. That was pretty sweet. I would be all "Hey, how does this look?" And if nonchalant grunts followed I changed. Now I dress according to what the fuck fits me that night. If its a full moon and I had too much watermelon, well it better be Adidas elastic shorts night at the club, otherwise I could go in my pajamas, boxers, or tie my comforter around me. I guess this isn't old age just my stubbornness to buy bigger pants. It might stem from the fact that my nickname is already Sgt. Big Pants.

Passing out. I pass out now. Now this is different from college when 90% of your friends were passing out from extracurriculars. I now pass out in front of the television at 1 a.m. watching the slap chop guy. I used to mock my father for such abuses but now I do the exact same thing with astonishing regularity. It starts with a slow and gentle malaise that some might call apathy to leave a comfortable sofa. This turns into an altogether paralysis to do anything, even change the channel. You are then left to wake up at 5 in the morning watching Murder She Wrote.

Responsibility. Still trying to avoid this so let's move on.

Time. The other day I did nothing. I mean I literally came home, sat down, and did nothing. I became very aware and bored of the nothing so I figured I should do something, but before I knew it, It was 1 a.m. and time to sleep. My problem is doing nothing exhausts so much time now that I am older. I used to be able to waste significant amounts of time in high school and it would feel like weeks. Hell, I spent four years in college accomplishing little to no amount of sizable achievements and that felt like pretty much four years. Now if I get caught watching a couple episodes of "It's Always Sunny" my whole night is shot.

So come and take me 30's. I may be only moderately prepared but I am well aware I have little to no say in the matter.

A Call to American Footie Fans

I was lucky enough to attend the recent friendly match pitting Chelsea against Inter-Milan. I had a great time. I was able to see my favorite team without traveling on a plane for more than ten hours. While I enjoyed myself, most around me feigned interest and became anxious in the "uneventful" parts of the game. Shouts of "shoot the ball" came as forwards held the ball well outside the box. I became quite aware then that Soccer has an uphill battle to become one of the bigger sports in America.

Soccer like any sport can be painstaking at times. An ex-hater of soccer I understand why. There is too much nuance to witness. Fans of soccer get excited about a well executed pass or a well received ball. These are not things easily measured. American sports fans want to see results and they want them in number form.

People want to know that someone got a hit, or a sack, or ran for ten yards and got a first down. Soccer may just be too abstract a concept for some of us right now. We tend to ignore the finer, less obvious things in this country. We eat at restaurants and order meals without any thought of the preparation that went into it. This is what a good portion of the 90 minutes of a soccer match is, preparation. What European fans seem to enjoy and what may be lost on all of us is that sometimes the means can be just as enjoyable as the end.

ESPN can show highlight goals to entice viewers of SportsCenter. Eventually though, American fans will have to change the way they take their sports if they are to enjoy the beautiful game. We will be a better sports nation for it.

Bits of Tid IV

SICK

Sometimes I come across something that for lack of a better term is just sick. Redskins WR Keith Eloi simply astonishes with his ability to jump. It usually takes me a few moments to wade myself out of a pool. Eloi can do it in a split second, from a standing position, in three feet of water.



Now if that wasn't crazy, ill, stupid, dope, enough, Eloi takes a crack at getting into the bed of a truck, from a standing position, surrounded by hype men. This clip actually surfaced before the pool clip. Jarron Gilbert (Bears) was the first to jump out of a pool and Eloi wanted to one up him.



Please note that he jumped into the bed of a truck with sandals on. Rest assured that anytime I have sandals on I will not be attempting amazing physical feats.

10 PREMATURE CELEBRATIONS

Maybe your Friday is not going so well. It could be worse.



ALL-TIME BASEBALL MOVIE LINEUP

Lineup
CF Willie Mays Hayes
C Dottie Hinson
SS Marla Hooch
RF Roy Hobbes
LF Pedro Cerano/Max 'Hammer' Dubois
1B Jack Elliot
2B Michael 'Squints' Palledorous
3B Roger Dorn
Pitcher Spot

Rote
Henry Rowengartner
Billy Chapel
Eddie Harris
Kit Keller
Kenny DeNunez

CL
Rick Vaughn

All in all a substantial OBP team. I have Hayes getting on base at a regular clip. He gives pitchers headaches with his speed and tenacity. Hinson is a power hitting righty with a good eye. Her ability to lay off the high ones should allow for more RBI's for our 3-4-5 hitters. Here is where there is some controversy. Both Roy Hobbes and Marla Hooch are natural left handed sweet swingers. I figure the fact that Hooch can switch hit gives us a little leeway at the third position.

My fifth and sixth hitters give me trouble during the season as both Cerrano and Jack Elliot go through dry spells where they can't hit the breaking stuff. The only caveat is when Pedro Cerrano is actually playing 'Hammer' Dubois of the Chunichi Dragons, then he is just solid all around. I just hate that I never know what Dennis Haysbert I am getting before the game you know? Seven and Eight spots go to my defensive specialists. If they get on the base paths well that's just icing on the cake and a real problem for the opposition.

The pitching rotation is just stacked. I have an ace that will consistently throw over 100 m.p.h. in Henry Rowengartner. More than that, I am blessed with some solid vets to show him the way. Billy Chapel has one last year left in him and Harris is best described as crafty. My only problem is Kit Keller who can be a real bitch sometimes especially when she gets traded and her big sister loses the game for the Rockford Peaches on purpose just to satisfy her little sister's humongous ego. What a fuc... Well I digress.

There you have it. Solid!

Restroom Awkward

I have a problem with some of the etiquette that has been occurring with regularity at the men’s urinal. Many of us men have a keen awareness of the necessary decorum to be used in a public restroom. The rest of us had to learn through trial and error. I submit to you five absurdities I have witnessed and would like to stop seeing.

1. I have seen a grown man at the urinal with his pants at his ankles. I was quite sure this man knew of the awkward position he and I were both in at the time and appreciated the quickness with which he picked up his pants. I would say this was an anomaly if I did not see this act twice in two different locales. Either I am visiting the wrong lavatories or I am doing everything all wrong.

2. For some reason the office restroom is a no holds barred, anything goes atmosphere. Men busy taking a deuce are many times on the phone conducting business like this was a war room on Wall Street. Please refrain from telling your wife to remember to take the kids to piano at the same time you are busy pinching a loaf. It disturbs me that the woman on the other end of this call accepts all your faults including this one.

3. Another office specialty is the old guy reading a paper at the urinal. I understand that your prostate is roughly the size of a Japanese gymnast but please refrain from reading the whole sports page while I’m waiting in line. I hope to never know the pleasure of a ten minute whiz that comes in droplet form but you are making us all anxious.

4. Please use all urinals as place holders. If space permits use the urinal the farthest away. I have a friend that time and again likes to sidle up to any one of us like he was telling us a secret. We can get as close as you want after I pee but for the moment please move away while my wiener is in the open air.

5. For the great genius designing bathroom layouts. Stop with the awkward urinal placements. Many dive bars are guilty of this transgression. They try to fit in as many as they can in a small place. Now I'm forced to pee standing back to back to the drunk dude with no balance. I can clearly see he is missing his mark and it's making me uncomfortable. Then when I'm done I have to maneuver in some weird metal gear solid way so I don't accidentally induce foreplay with a strange gentleman.

These are all five very real problems that I think can be remedied. It does alleviate some stress to know that while our restrooms look and feel like a men's restroom, rumor has it the women's restroom has a certain methadone clinic in Bosnia atmosphere.

Perspective

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

Michael Jackson treated 4 year-olds like bowling balls. Then he made them get on a giraffe and call him Scooby. Let's put this shit in perspective.

I don't know when the "King of Pop" turned into Mother Teresa but hundreds paying homage to his walk-of-fame star and standing hours outside UCLA medical center is just this side of lame. I'm not saying it is perverse. I'm just saying it is without warrant.

My life is too short to have a wake for someone I never met and at best could have been a nice guy and at worse could have had sex with children. I mean I'm sad the music died, but seriously, perspective people. Can we wikipedia for just a second to clarify that "King of Pop" is just a fictional title? We do know there is no real kingdom, right folks? It means he was a genius at making songs and dancing and stuff.

Think about this. He most likely, and when I say most likely its the same as OJ Simpson was "most likely" a murder so its a "most likely" that means the same as "is," with 100% certainty, was a child molester.

He slept with children in his bed and went on national TV and said he felt pretty normal about it, because that's how you "show love." He also "most likely" drank with children and "most likely" had sexual activities with them. So I'm supposed to take that knowledge and throw it out the window because he sang about a fucking mouse (Ben). Jesus Christ people! Mourn the music but lets keep the deification to a minimum.

Again I am sad the music is gone, I really am. And Michael's life did not necessitate me writing this. The reaction that you have shown necessitates this.

To the guy that had pictures of Michael in his office from 1972 and is on my TV right now: I appreciate you went to his concert when you were 15 and it blew your mind. I can't fathom that kind of experience other than probably sex and a really good cheeseburger. It must have been extreme though because you are on CNN right now paying tribute to the same man that saw the movie "The Sandlot" with his pants down and a bottle of Jergen's nearby. Meanwhile all a really good cheeseburger does is continue to be tasty, innocent children unharmed.

Play your music people. I am. I've been bumpin' that mouse song for hours now. I'm just saying do we need to talk about it further than that? Do we need to cry for a man that believed the pinnacle of beauty was to look like Skeletor? I will pour one out for MJ, blast his hits, and leave it at that. You should too.

Spend more time with people in your life that make a real difference. Use the hours you would have taken to go sit at Neverland Ranch for some real good. Macaulay Culkin would have wanted it that way after all.