He Don't Need No Stinking Badges

“Since I suffered the injury on company time, why shouldn't I also be able to get surgery and do recovery on company time?” - Shaquille O'Neal

ESPN is reporting that Shaquille O'Neal will be forced to return another badge. This time to Bedford Virginia, yes they do not have an NBA team. However, I don't want to write about Shaq the player or even Shaq the individual. But since you asked, the individual is funny, the player is fat and lazy.

Shaq should have been THE greatest center of all time. Instead he has cashed it in year after year and relied on his mass and bulk down low. He was explosive and quick but could have been so much more. When it is all done he will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame. But I have toi ask. How can a guy that good never lead the league in points, rebounds, or blocks in a season? I don't know. I told you I am not gonna write about it.

What I am really interested in is badges, nice shiny Sheriff ones. I myself once wanted to be a cop like my dad. But there was only one way to do it back in the day. You went to the academy, worked hard and graduated.

Now there is another way. It may seem a little more convoluted than the earlier method but this one has a little more moxie:

First get drafted to an NBA team. One that is fairly underwhelming at the time. Proceed to get the to the NBA Finals and lose. Now this next step is important.

Will the future Hall of Famer plesase step forward.

Not so fast Mr. Hardaway.

Leave that team. Get some fresh air. Make some movies. Record some albums. Now win championships on a new team, a couple, no three. Make sure to speak ill of your past teammate and co-star. Proceed to waive necessary surgery in the summer and save it for the start of the season. Be sure to come back more bloated for every new season. Now. Leave this team, demand it if you have to.

Still on my Netflix queue.

Go to a different team, somewhere similar to your last town but a little more humid and less culturally significant. Make sure to speak ill of your last city and your past teammates. Proceed to workout in the off season to win a title. A novel idea that could have been used in your past ventures, but never mind that now. It might be impressive if you get tired toward the end of this season and willingly pass the team off to a new up and comer. Win title.

Now get fat again.

Now demand a trade again.

Get traded to #1 team in Western Conference.

WE WERE #1, WE WERE #1

Help new team move steadily down the ladder of Western Conference. Lose in first round...repeat as necessary. As long as you follow these steps you will find your self with multiple Sheriff badges all over the greater United States.

One measuring stick of a great teammate is the lack of geographical movement in his career. Look at Favre, Tony Gwynn, Montana, etc. O'Neal has been traded and dealt a great deal for someone with his talent at such a valued position. Sure Kobe is egotistical and power hungry. The only thing I cared about is his work ethic. But Shaq gets a free pass. He always has.

In his Laker walk year, he dunked a ball in training camp ran up the floor and yelled for Jerry Buss to "pay me mother------."

The Lakers did pay him, at least they tried to. He rejected their offer to be the highest paid player and essentially painted Los Angeles into a corner.

So he left. Traded. Laker fans killed Kobe for it. Yet many in Los Angeles don't give Shaq the same scrutiny. He not only lambasted Kobe when leaving L.A. he threw the whole city and their fans under the bus. In relating to Los Angeles he stated "real, real fake. This (Miami) is a more real place." Yes Shaq, Miami has never been known as little Los Angeles. Things are much different there.

He has done this multiple times. Most recently ripping on Miami when traded to the Suns. In both cases his former employer sent him to warm weather and teams in contention giving him no reason to whine.

True, Shaq can make me laugh. The way he makes new monikers for himself is quite astounding. I just didn't think it was so unbelievable as to get him a free pass for so long. His latest transgression may have been blown a little out of proportion, but it is symptomatic of his career. Shaquille has never been the bigger man.

The Boston Massacre

"It's humbling" - Lamar Odom

"It's a great run, we came up short" - Lamar Odom

"Are there any more chicken wings?" - Gabe Zaldivar

Now that I have had a few hours to digest the complete and utter Boston tea bagging we received, I am here to tell you what's next. Nothing. Bill Plashke and J.A. Adande seem to think moves must be taken to solidify our chance to win it all next year. That's a bit knee jerk, don't you think?

Last year we lost in the first round to the highly touted Phoenix Suns. With basically the same cast of characters, we made it to the sixth game of the NBA Finals. Please don't tell me we did so because of Pau Gasol. His dramatic exit from the series around game 1 has me thinking refund for the six pack of beer we got him for.

However, if you think the acquisition of Pau allowed for the real Lamar Odom to show up at the end of the season, imagine what Lamar et. al. can do with the presence of Andrew Bynum. Anything we can salvage from Bynum at this point is gravy. We went 6 games against a team housing three potential hall of famers and our solution is to jump ship. I find it hard to believe that Mitch Kupchak was stubborn enough to keep this team together when they were losing but will move vital parts after getting so close.

Can we recognize what a summer does for people. Jordan Farmar became a shooter, Sasha became a real scoring threat, and I gained more weight.

As for last night however...

Awful. It was a heightened illustration of what I knew all series. The Lakers were happy to be there. You could see it in the celebration after winning the western conference finals. They knew how good they were at the moment and what to celebrate. Boston was much more reserved after they took care of Detroit. They also happened to be much more poised throughout the series.

Except for Game 3, Boston was always the aggressor. They played like they were on the ropes. They played like they knew what was at stake. I just never felt the 07-08 Lakers deserved to win. But the 08-09 squad will be hungry.

How could they not be? The Celtics had an appetizer of celebration before the game was done. I don't know how big the bench area is but the there were kids and wives and still room for Pierce to disco dance. Then there was the Gatorade wash that necessitated Phil Jackson to call a time out. Granted classless, but the Lakers did not deserve to be treated with dignity last night. It was like the Celtics were sleeping with my grandmother and making me hive five them while doing it. I couldn't turn away. But I also couldn't stomach it either.

Here is to hoping the Lakers have the same bad taste in their mouths.

Tacos!

Game 6

It seems many in the media have seen fit to crown the Boston Celtics as champions. Just as Jack Kent Cooke filled the rafters with balloons and jinxed the Lakers out of a Finals berth in 1969, so too will certain Boston fans as they plan parade routes. Many have lost the fact that a game 6 will be played. No matter what, Tuesday night happens. This favors Los Angeles. A team that is playing to stay alive is dangerous.

Game 1

Neither team has played like champions thus far. Game 1 was a split for both teams, Los Angeles handled their end in the first half and Boston simply closed it out. Celtic fans also rejoiced the fact that Paul Pierce has some sort of regenerative powers not normally seen on this planet. We can only thank god that Eight Belles' trainers weren't nearby to take action.

Here we have Mr. Pierce suffering what seems to be a combination of gunshot wounds and his water breaking. After being wheeled off in a wheelchair, a device used for people that cannot walk, he mended in the wolverine time of ten minutes. Unfathomably he is the best player so far and will undoubtedly receive the MVP award if Boston closes this out.

I'm not saying he is faking, I'm just saying I would like some of whatever they are shooting him up with...or he is faking.

Game 2

Well the Lakers almost overcame a 24 point deficit on the road. It would have been a magical night and the series would have been most likely over by now. I remember thinking that I would never see a come back like that for some time. Life is funny sometimes.

Game 3

L.A. gets on the board. It wasn't pretty or flashy or dominant. But it works.

Game 4

There has been some speculation as to whether game 4 actually occurred. I am in the school of thought that it could not have existed if you do not refer to it.

Game 5

Another sloppy win. Neither team seemed to really want this one. Bad fouls and porous defense on both ends turned this into a street game.

My main beef with the series is how ho-hum it all is. Does anyone feel this magical rivalry we were all promised? After both teams clinched I was lead to believe all would be right with world. Instead we get a series where players cannot pump their fists for worry of a technical. David Stern has done extremely well in making the NBA the blandest of the top American sports. Kobe can't clear out, KG can't argue, players can't jaw at each other. I feel for the little kids that think this is all exciting. I can still remember when the NBA was a contact sport.

To the referees tonight, swallow your whistles. Better yet, how about call a foul only when one occurs.

To ABC analysts and commentators, can you please get on the referees. Game 5 included KG getting his 4th foul for blocking a Laker player. The replay showed it was an obvious bad call but Jeff Van Gundy decided to thrash KG for making an ill advised play.

Yes we have now come to a state in this sport where a player is admonished for making a great defensive play when the official gets the call wrong and penalizes him for it. This would never happen in the NFL or MLB.

Lastly, I, like ABC, would love to see a game 7. It gives me an excuse to drink copious amounts of liquor during the week without it being a social problem.

Oh and Boston, It's "Beat LA" NOT "Gotta Beat LA." I know it has been a while since your team mattered, but get it right.

Tacos!

Super Bowl of Football, Rather Futbol, I mean Soccer

On Wednesday one of the most watched sporting events will take place and the great majority of Americans will not notice. The UEFA Champions League final will be played tomorrow pitting Premiership powerhouses Chelsea and Manchester United against each other. This will mark the first time that two English teams will meet in the final match. The past couple years have audiences for the match rivaling and in some cases surpassing the Super Bowl.

However, while most of the world is bathing jubilantly in beer, Americans will be caught up in heated debates over which David is a better karaoke singer. Where did we go wrong? How have we, a nation in love with sports, not embraced the most beautiful of sports?

Well, we are also a nation in love with stuff. Lots of stuff. We have 30-packs of beer for sale and jumbo size bags of chips and super size fries and extra strength Tylenol and so on. We have forgotten to take a step back and look at the journey of things. We are captivated too many times by the score rather than the method the athlete took to score.

Therein lies the conundrum for soccer fans in the U.S. How do you prove to Americans that soccer can live and thrive here in the states.? How do you illustrate the awe that is inspired by a ball kicked 50 yards pleasantly curving through the air to finish precisely on the chest of a teammate? How can you make it seem relevant to an NBA fan who watches players perform the same slam dunks year in and year out at the Slam Dunk Contest? How do you explain the exhilaration one feels from watching goals almost scored at the post? This will prove difficult, especially to a nation that has had to change their favorite game of NFL football several times through the ages precisely to incite higher scores.

Soccer is a game of hope and patience. Two teams step on the pitch for ninety minutes and methodically pick and choose their chances to strike. There are no commercial breaks and no timeouts. One would be foolish to leave for a beer run during the half, for a goal can come in an instant. And then it is gone. The goal has passed. It is on to the journey again. That is where soccer fans truly live. I hope American fans can someday appreciate the nuances that make "the beautiful game" so much fun.

Bits of Tid II

Farewell to a Former Florida Marlin
Mike Piazza announced his retirement today. I, like many of you, exclaimed, "was Mike Piazza still playing?" Well the answer was and shall now remain a resounding no. It seems Piazza was floating in the murky waters of this year's free agent pool hoping to be picked up. I guess it took a little over a month for Mike to take the hint. His announcement, though unsurprising, does allow us ample opportunity to honor one of the game's more prolific offensive catchers.

Awesome
Jose Canseco proved once again that he probably shouldn't be raising himself. News surfaced that the one time Oakland A's outfielder is now considering a life as a boxer. In fact he will not be training as an up and comer but will instead take the path less traveled and become an instant washed up has been. The fight is scheduled for July 21st with the challenger picking up a purse of $5,000. With the fight taking place in an Atlantic City Independent baseball stadium, it is a shame no one will see the event. I do enjoy uncomfortable social situations.

Bizarkizley
News surfaced today that Charles Barkley paid the $400,000 he owed the Wynn Casino. The prosecutor's fee of $40,000 was still outstanding. Barkley assured he would pay the fee immediately and admitted he was caught unaware of the charge.

In other news it was a really slow sports news day.

What To Look For This Weekend

Lakers vs. Jazz - Game 6
NBA PLAYOFFS DAY 164 - This series has been marked by the emergence of Deron Williams as a major player in the NBA. After a very quiet 14 and 9 in game one, Williams has given the Jazz a very real chance to send this series to a seventh game. They will need a lot more out of Boozer who has been relatively harmless most of this series.

The real story for game six is how, if at all, the Lakers can diminish the home court advantage. This series has really brought to light just how bad Jazz fans can be at times. In fact, Raider fans think Jazz fans are out of line. The one thing I have taken from this series is never get thousands of Mormons together. It usually ends in vile racist cheering and unexpected polygamy.

Celtics vs. Cavaliers
How dare you insinuate that the Boston Celtics were over marketed as the second coming of the Larry Bird era. A great team has to win on the road. Look for Boston to win tonight though as Boobie Gibson is out with a separated shoulder. When a team with only a few weapons is missing their biggest perimeter weapon, it's uh, it's bad.

Spurs vs. Hornets
This game should really be on Sunday, but instead it's on Monday. It's on Monday because more people will watch a game 7 on Monday than Sunday. Also the NBA will not rest until it eats itself alive.

Look for Hornets fans to whine about the hard foul David West received from Tim Duncan. The constant crying from NBA fans about these hard fouls their stars receive begs the question, when did the NBA cease as a contact sport?

INTER-LEAGUE YAY!
MLB officially gets a semi every year around this time. Yes, it's time for inter-league play. Heated rivals will play this weekend. Look for exciting match ups like Yankees/Mets or Dodgers/Angels or better yet, Nationals/Orioles. WOO HOO!

On second thought, this time of year is more a glaring slap in the pecker of how outdated the DH rule is. I think it is completely fair that the Yankees will DH the likes of Hideki Matsui and the Mets are left with Endy Chavez. But at least I can die now and say I saw the Padres and Mariners play.

Horsin' Around
See what I did there. Well, I am obviously talking Preakness. The second leg of the Triple Crown is this Saturday. I can't wait to watch little Latin men ride horses for two minutes. If this is anything like the Kentucky Derby and you love horses, please do not stick around after the race. Things get...a little weird.

Bits of Tid

Giants shore up their bullpen

Let me lead off with Barry Zito in our "fallen" heroes section. Barry Zito was demoted to reliever status this week. We can now finally say that the Giants paid $126 million for the likes of Mark Hendrickson. Wait, no, Hendrickson can still throw a fast ball. Zito called this "a bump in the road." He failed to accurately describe it as a huge fucking mountain like bump. At least he has a few more innings to play his guitar. Can we all just go back to that magical day the giants signed their Cy Young award winning mop up guy?

I wouldn't be surprised if Brian Sabean was in talks with Mike Hampton to fill the role left by Zito.

Please Sit Down

Carlos Delgado was apathetically addressing claims that he straight dissed the fans on Monday night. You see Charles doesn't see fit to come out and wave his little hat to fans unless something spectacular happens. Well the fact that you got two hits on Monday and they were both home runs is reason for celebration. In fact, I believe they should have stopped the game and brought out the podium for a proper ovation. Delgado does have a sense of humor. In reacting to proper ovation etiquette, “Am I going to stay out there until they start booing?” He failed to add, "like tomorrow when I go 0 for 5."

Little Lady Killer

Speaking of once great athletes, Roger Clemens is in more trouble this week. You see Roger had a relationship in 1998 with then 15 year old Mindy McCready. He claims that he just wanted to befriend this sweet karaoke singer. Why would you want to be a friend to a 15 year old girl? What engaging conversations could you possibly have had with your new bff? Did your Red Sox teammate really allow you to hit on a 15-year old?

Well the deal didn't work out for poor old Mindy as she went on to marry a wife beater and did a lot of drugs. This comes as no surprise as I probably would be addicted to a lot of things if Roger Clemens was inside me when I was a teenager. In fact I would probably look a lot like this...

Yes, this is indeed Mindy McCready

Play Dead

In this week's edition of I saw that coming, Pat Riley retires again from coaching. He was quoted as saying "I'm excited about today and moving forward and building this franchise back to where we can be proud of it." He failed to include, "until we get to a place where we are good enough to make a run at the finals, in which case I will fire whatever coach we have and take over." This douchebag is renowned for overworking his players yet fold whenever he is in dire circumstances.

At the end of this abysmal season he stepped away from the Heat bench to go on scouting trips. Isn't that what scouts are for? Long trips away from the headache you made is just the way to flourish your hall of fame image.