A burrito should strike fear when it is placed before you. That is the main difference between a burrito and some stuff wrapped in a tortilla. A burrito should necessitate a plan of action. You should have to take a second and realize that the plans you may have had for the rest of the day will go unfulfilled. That's a burrito.
I happen to be indulging at the moment in what I and many others find to be the pinnacle of Los Angeles burritos, the Hollenbeck. El Tepeyac, Manuel's to many, has always been a special place to me. My parents would take us when the mood struck and we were good. That's right. When other kids were being taken to the circus or a museum I was being carted off to eat burritos.
The Hollenbeck is about a pound and a half of meat and rice and beans and guacamole all placed perfectly together in a tortilla like a boy band about to go on tour. Like said boy band they rock the shit out of my taste buds. The meat is stewed all day in a red chile sauce giving each bite a tender texture. You get plenty of meat throughout and a ladle is generously portioned on top of the burrito. That's right. After they run out of room stuffing the burrito with meat they scoop some on top. Why? Because more meat won't fit in the burrito, that's why!
When you first get your burrito you immediately realize that it is as big as an infant. Sometimes I don't know whether to eat it or raise it to be something in this world: doctor, lawyer, hell something honorable. I mean at the very least something better than me at this time. I often think my burrito could be a major league baseball star if it just applied itself. Burritos. Right? Ah, you have to let them make their own mistakes I guess.
Immediately after you eat this tortilla baby you are faced with two brutal truths: 1) You now realize you have no self respect and probably could have saved some of that burrito for later but were smitten with the taste of gently stewed pork chunks, and 2) You need to get home as soon as possible.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Becoming a Fan
I've been a soccer fan for a few years now and have followed Chelsea for that same amount of time. I have always considered myself one of the Chelsea faithful but have not been so convinced of that fact until today.
Growing up around sports I find it is easy to follow your team when the going is good and the wins are easy. Living in L.A. I may have become a Dodgers and Lakers fan regardless of winning percentage. But the fact that my developmental years were spent watching around the back passes from Magic to Worthy and shutout innings being thrown by Orel Hershiser made it easier to fall in love with those teams.
Yet you never feel quite complete as a fan until your team loses a big game. You never truly understand what the rooting did to you emotionally and physically. You back a team through the thick and stick with them through the thin because that is your conviction and that is who you choose to trust. When the people you trust break your heart you know you are invested for life.
I remember 1989 and the Piston's sweep of the Lakers in the finals. Being nine at the time I don't mind telling you I cried that night. I remember the ineptitude of the early ninety Dodgers teams. They had me holding onto the dream that we could repeat the miracle of '88.
At almost thirty years old, I had the same experience yet again. Nil-nil going into today's second leg semi-final, Chelsea lost in injury time to Barcelona. They finished ninety minutes as the assured finalists in this years Champions League final match. They came within a minute and a half of completing something worthwhile to a lackluster season. As does happen so often in sport. The unexpected happenened.
Barcelona scored with little time left in injury time allowing them to go ahead in the tie breaker scenario. When Iniesta connected with the ball my heartbroke. In so many of these events in my life. I know when the inevitable is about to happen. As the ball swept passed Cech's outstretched arm I buried my head in my hands in disgust.
I can take refuge in the fact that I am part of a faithful of Chelsea fan that felt the same way today. I can take soalce in the fact that we will have no alternative but wait until next season to root again. I can take pride in the fact that there is nothing more I can do about the pain. I am a Chelsea fan after all.
Growing up around sports I find it is easy to follow your team when the going is good and the wins are easy. Living in L.A. I may have become a Dodgers and Lakers fan regardless of winning percentage. But the fact that my developmental years were spent watching around the back passes from Magic to Worthy and shutout innings being thrown by Orel Hershiser made it easier to fall in love with those teams.
Yet you never feel quite complete as a fan until your team loses a big game. You never truly understand what the rooting did to you emotionally and physically. You back a team through the thick and stick with them through the thin because that is your conviction and that is who you choose to trust. When the people you trust break your heart you know you are invested for life.
I remember 1989 and the Piston's sweep of the Lakers in the finals. Being nine at the time I don't mind telling you I cried that night. I remember the ineptitude of the early ninety Dodgers teams. They had me holding onto the dream that we could repeat the miracle of '88.
At almost thirty years old, I had the same experience yet again. Nil-nil going into today's second leg semi-final, Chelsea lost in injury time to Barcelona. They finished ninety minutes as the assured finalists in this years Champions League final match. They came within a minute and a half of completing something worthwhile to a lackluster season. As does happen so often in sport. The unexpected happenened.
Barcelona scored with little time left in injury time allowing them to go ahead in the tie breaker scenario. When Iniesta connected with the ball my heartbroke. In so many of these events in my life. I know when the inevitable is about to happen. As the ball swept passed Cech's outstretched arm I buried my head in my hands in disgust.
I can take refuge in the fact that I am part of a faithful of Chelsea fan that felt the same way today. I can take soalce in the fact that we will have no alternative but wait until next season to root again. I can take pride in the fact that there is nothing more I can do about the pain. I am a Chelsea fan after all.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Weekend Tacos
A Saturday so filled with amazing sport is usually saved for late March. Though in May, tomorrow should give us ample opportunity to sit on the couch and not move for three or ten hours. So here are the top three tacos to watch Saturday, complete with which method of drink you should be pounding.
135th Kentucky Derby
The main race should be around 3PST. So my morning may consist of looking for ingredients for my mint julep and a very large hat. This may be a tight one as there are no clear cut favorites this time around. The early favorite is 'I want Revenge' who is now going off at 3-1. The most interesting horse is the colt 'Pioneer of the Nile.' He has the strength and longevity to finish but has only been a turf or synthetic surface horse until now. If he transitions to dirt well he may be near the top at the turn.
What to drink
Mint Julep There is something sophisticated yet down home about a mint julep. In fact its the only cocktail that you can sip while wearning boxers and no shirt and still be snooty about it.
The Game Seven to end all Game Sevens
Ever since Game six between the Boston Celtics and the Chicago Bulls occurred every sports pundit has touted this series as the greatest thing to happen since late night spaghetti bowls before bed. It has been a great series. But the fact remains that the winner will still lose to Cleveland eventually. However, because almost every game this series has been a close, hard hitting, controversy inducing match up, I will not miss seven. Well at least not the fourth quarter.
What to Drink
Because of the location, you have to go Sam Adams. By now you should have a euphoric feeling of malaise. It's ok tomorrow is Sunday and you have nothing to do.
Pacquiao v. Hatton
Last time I saw Pacquiao fighting he was beating up a poor old Mexican lady. No one seemed to care either. They just allowed the Phillipino pugilist to land blow after blow on the defenseless Oscar Dela Hoya. It was a scary sight but I couldn't divert my eyes. PacMan's complete beat down on Dela Hoya illustrated his veracity at pretty much any weight class. I would be ready to bet the farm on his ability to dismantle Hatton if it weren't for Floyd Mayweather Sr. and his dedication to defense. Hatton has always been a puncher that would come at you and worry about the repercussions later. Having a stiff chin and deft swing allows that. However, this fight is different. Pacquaio can fly around the ring and will most assuredly get his punches in. If Hatton learned to dodge this late in his career this may just be better than the beating of an old Mexican I saw last year.
What to Drink
San Miguel or Guinness - Then take a nap.
135th Kentucky Derby
The main race should be around 3PST. So my morning may consist of looking for ingredients for my mint julep and a very large hat. This may be a tight one as there are no clear cut favorites this time around. The early favorite is 'I want Revenge' who is now going off at 3-1. The most interesting horse is the colt 'Pioneer of the Nile.' He has the strength and longevity to finish but has only been a turf or synthetic surface horse until now. If he transitions to dirt well he may be near the top at the turn.
What to drink
Mint Julep There is something sophisticated yet down home about a mint julep. In fact its the only cocktail that you can sip while wearning boxers and no shirt and still be snooty about it.
The Game Seven to end all Game Sevens
Ever since Game six between the Boston Celtics and the Chicago Bulls occurred every sports pundit has touted this series as the greatest thing to happen since late night spaghetti bowls before bed. It has been a great series. But the fact remains that the winner will still lose to Cleveland eventually. However, because almost every game this series has been a close, hard hitting, controversy inducing match up, I will not miss seven. Well at least not the fourth quarter.
What to Drink
Because of the location, you have to go Sam Adams. By now you should have a euphoric feeling of malaise. It's ok tomorrow is Sunday and you have nothing to do.
Pacquiao v. Hatton
Last time I saw Pacquiao fighting he was beating up a poor old Mexican lady. No one seemed to care either. They just allowed the Phillipino pugilist to land blow after blow on the defenseless Oscar Dela Hoya. It was a scary sight but I couldn't divert my eyes. PacMan's complete beat down on Dela Hoya illustrated his veracity at pretty much any weight class. I would be ready to bet the farm on his ability to dismantle Hatton if it weren't for Floyd Mayweather Sr. and his dedication to defense. Hatton has always been a puncher that would come at you and worry about the repercussions later. Having a stiff chin and deft swing allows that. However, this fight is different. Pacquaio can fly around the ring and will most assuredly get his punches in. If Hatton learned to dodge this late in his career this may just be better than the beating of an old Mexican I saw last year.
What to Drink
San Miguel or Guinness - Then take a nap.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
To the person that stole my Laundry Bag from the laundry room...
I hate you. I hate you as much as any one person can hate a potentially non-existent foe. How retarded can you be? Very, very retarded is the answer. You must have some semblance of a brain because your basket taking caper has thus far gone unsolved.
Please rest assured that you will be apprehended as soon as I get off the couch and turn off the TV. But I will run into my bag again. I just have to. There is no way this was not an inside job. No prints or excessive lint trails at the scene. You are good my friend. You are good.
I am convinced you know who I am am. Now that I have to lug my clothes to and fro in a white trash bag like I were a ghetto Mexican Santa Claus, I am convinced you are enjoying yourself. Well this not being a violent crime I can't say that I hope you die but I at the very least wish that you one day get a puppy and he dies in your arms. Then I hope you scream to the heavens for retribution and remember me, the guy that only wanted to get out of taking a laundry bag back and forth from his apartment so he left it in the laundry room. He did this because he was convinced there was no one so completely void of a soul that they would snatch my only laundry bag. Do you not understand that I am lazy and will not buy another until I am coincidentally standing next to one in the store.
I am sorry I take it back. I hope you die.
Best,
Some Dude you totally fucked over.
Please rest assured that you will be apprehended as soon as I get off the couch and turn off the TV. But I will run into my bag again. I just have to. There is no way this was not an inside job. No prints or excessive lint trails at the scene. You are good my friend. You are good.
I am convinced you know who I am am. Now that I have to lug my clothes to and fro in a white trash bag like I were a ghetto Mexican Santa Claus, I am convinced you are enjoying yourself. Well this not being a violent crime I can't say that I hope you die but I at the very least wish that you one day get a puppy and he dies in your arms. Then I hope you scream to the heavens for retribution and remember me, the guy that only wanted to get out of taking a laundry bag back and forth from his apartment so he left it in the laundry room. He did this because he was convinced there was no one so completely void of a soul that they would snatch my only laundry bag. Do you not understand that I am lazy and will not buy another until I am coincidentally standing next to one in the store.
I am sorry I take it back. I hope you die.
Best,
Some Dude you totally fucked over.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Open
I just ate my fourth burrito in as many days. This is not my only burrito feat. I once had two burritos in one day. These are the types of achievements not made out of planning and fortitude. They are created from living a certain lifestyle. I did not wake up one day and plan to eat two burritos in one day. Happenstance and luck created the moment when I looked down at crumpled paper and foil and thought "Shit, I just ate two burritos today." The nap that followed allowed for the requisite self reflection. Why am I doomed to eat copious amounts of food as if I were about to hibernate for a few months? The answer hit me like the tail end of a buffet bender. I love food.
I love how it tastes, smells, and sizzles. I love that carnitas have some symbiotic relationship with guacamole and lemon that make them truly great friends. I love that the aromatics from an Italian meat sauce are so closely aligned with the taste that I can decide the quality before a taste test. I love burgers. I love foie gras. From Tapas to yakitori, this blog is sort of a diary of indigestion and delights. So let's laugh, drink, and eat. I will make sure there is plenty of napkins and the tums as always are by my bed.
I love how it tastes, smells, and sizzles. I love that carnitas have some symbiotic relationship with guacamole and lemon that make them truly great friends. I love that the aromatics from an Italian meat sauce are so closely aligned with the taste that I can decide the quality before a taste test. I love burgers. I love foie gras. From Tapas to yakitori, this blog is sort of a diary of indigestion and delights. So let's laugh, drink, and eat. I will make sure there is plenty of napkins and the tums as always are by my bed.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Goodbye My Friend
There are two moments in my life that I remember with utter fondness; the first time I grabbed a boobie and the first time I opened my first can of Sparks. Sparks, as many know, is an alcoholic beverage produced by the good people at the Miller Brewing Company. It was their great wisdom that acknowledged how many drunks were busy passing out when they could still be awake and drinking. Well today they have decided to stop selling it thanks to an injunction by the State of Illinois.
Imbibe one Sparks and your night was that much sweeter. Of course if you happen to drink two or more you felt like you were having a heart attack and your face was melting for a good 45 minutes. But isn't there a price for fun sometimes?
Well it seems that Sparks will be no more. So it is with this news that I give you my top three favorite times I drank Sparks and didn't die:
3. The day I found Sparks Black label. This is the same exact drink with 1% more alcohol. That's like having a girlfriend with 1% less talking.
2. My good friend James, my brother, and I decided to Spark gun. This is essentially the same as shot gunning a regular beer but with the added bonus of chugging a malted energy drink. After Spark gunning you realize that Sparks is not meant to be downed in less than 10 seconds. I remember not feeling bad immediately after. But I distinctly recall not feeling remotely good either. It was kind of like the time I sat down and watched Donnie Darko. I felt confused and was sure something was about to happen but nothing ever did, and I am pretty sure I threw up after.
1. The very first time, my brother and I sat across from each other and stared at two tall cans of what looked like energy drinks. After popping one each and tasting the beverage we realized it did not taste "that bad." After half the can we experienced noticeable energy and wherewithal. After a whole can we decided to open and down the second in record time. This was immediately followed by the sensation of dying and total loss of wherewithal.
The state of Illinois gave us Barack Obama. Today, however, they reversed their graciousness by taking away Sparks. Shame on them. How am I supposed to celebrate our first black president with no malted beverage to kick it on the stoop with?
Imbibe one Sparks and your night was that much sweeter. Of course if you happen to drink two or more you felt like you were having a heart attack and your face was melting for a good 45 minutes. But isn't there a price for fun sometimes?
Well it seems that Sparks will be no more. So it is with this news that I give you my top three favorite times I drank Sparks and didn't die:
3. The day I found Sparks Black label. This is the same exact drink with 1% more alcohol. That's like having a girlfriend with 1% less talking.
2. My good friend James, my brother, and I decided to Spark gun. This is essentially the same as shot gunning a regular beer but with the added bonus of chugging a malted energy drink. After Spark gunning you realize that Sparks is not meant to be downed in less than 10 seconds. I remember not feeling bad immediately after. But I distinctly recall not feeling remotely good either. It was kind of like the time I sat down and watched Donnie Darko. I felt confused and was sure something was about to happen but nothing ever did, and I am pretty sure I threw up after.
1. The very first time, my brother and I sat across from each other and stared at two tall cans of what looked like energy drinks. After popping one each and tasting the beverage we realized it did not taste "that bad." After half the can we experienced noticeable energy and wherewithal. After a whole can we decided to open and down the second in record time. This was immediately followed by the sensation of dying and total loss of wherewithal.
The state of Illinois gave us Barack Obama. Today, however, they reversed their graciousness by taking away Sparks. Shame on them. How am I supposed to celebrate our first black president with no malted beverage to kick it on the stoop with?
Friday, December 12, 2008
Yankees to sign Lord and Savior
New York, New York
by Gabriel Zaldivar
It seems the rich just keep getting richer. It looks as though the New York Yankees will have the aid of yet another veteran journeyman. Jesus Christ of heaven has reportedly signed a seven-year, 180 million dollar contract.
Jesus "el saviorrrr" Christ has been a symbol of peace and goodwill for over 2,000 years. On the recent move Jesus relayed "It sorta just fell into place you know? I never really wanted to play in New York with all the hustle and bustle but come on 180 mil?"
Some critics see the acquisition as yet further evidence to the Yankees evil empire stature. Boston native, Red Sox fan, and all-around nice guy Jimmy Durantes was quoted as saying, "Jesus (expletive deleted), I don't (expletive deleted) what he or any other (expletive deleted) at your (expletive deleted) mother," which pretty much sums up the feelings across the nation.
Yankees GM Brian Cashman seemed thoroughly pleased with his signing. It seems, however, that their pursuit of high priced talent may not be over, "We like Jesus. So we got Jesus. But we are always looking to bolster our lineup. We have been talking to the likes of Buddha, Muhammad, and whomever the Jews have been waiting around for. As the GM of the Yankees it really is my job to sign everyone in the whole entire universe!"
Jesus Christ is expected to make his first press conference on Monday. "You know I rest on Sunday, so I'll see you all after the weekend. I can't wait to put on the famed uniform...not to be an asshole but I look pretty good in pinstripes." Yes you do Jesus, Yes you do.
by Gabriel Zaldivar
It seems the rich just keep getting richer. It looks as though the New York Yankees will have the aid of yet another veteran journeyman. Jesus Christ of heaven has reportedly signed a seven-year, 180 million dollar contract.
Jesus "el saviorrrr" Christ has been a symbol of peace and goodwill for over 2,000 years. On the recent move Jesus relayed "It sorta just fell into place you know? I never really wanted to play in New York with all the hustle and bustle but come on 180 mil?"
Some critics see the acquisition as yet further evidence to the Yankees evil empire stature. Boston native, Red Sox fan, and all-around nice guy Jimmy Durantes was quoted as saying, "Jesus (expletive deleted), I don't (expletive deleted) what he or any other (expletive deleted) at your (expletive deleted) mother," which pretty much sums up the feelings across the nation.
Yankees GM Brian Cashman seemed thoroughly pleased with his signing. It seems, however, that their pursuit of high priced talent may not be over, "We like Jesus. So we got Jesus. But we are always looking to bolster our lineup. We have been talking to the likes of Buddha, Muhammad, and whomever the Jews have been waiting around for. As the GM of the Yankees it really is my job to sign everyone in the whole entire universe!"
Jesus Christ is expected to make his first press conference on Monday. "You know I rest on Sunday, so I'll see you all after the weekend. I can't wait to put on the famed uniform...not to be an asshole but I look pretty good in pinstripes." Yes you do Jesus, Yes you do.
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