Restroom Awkward

I have a problem with some of the etiquette that has been occurring with regularity at the men’s urinal. Many of us men have a keen awareness of the necessary decorum to be used in a public restroom. The rest of us had to learn through trial and error. I submit to you five absurdities I have witnessed and would like to stop seeing.

1. I have seen a grown man at the urinal with his pants at his ankles. I was quite sure this man knew of the awkward position he and I were both in at the time and appreciated the quickness with which he picked up his pants. I would say this was an anomaly if I did not see this act twice in two different locales. Either I am visiting the wrong lavatories or I am doing everything all wrong.

2. For some reason the office restroom is a no holds barred, anything goes atmosphere. Men busy taking a deuce are many times on the phone conducting business like this was a war room on Wall Street. Please refrain from telling your wife to remember to take the kids to piano at the same time you are busy pinching a loaf. It disturbs me that the woman on the other end of this call accepts all your faults including this one.

3. Another office specialty is the old guy reading a paper at the urinal. I understand that your prostate is roughly the size of a Japanese gymnast but please refrain from reading the whole sports page while I’m waiting in line. I hope to never know the pleasure of a ten minute whiz that comes in droplet form but you are making us all anxious.

4. Please use all urinals as place holders. If space permits use the urinal the farthest away. I have a friend that time and again likes to sidle up to any one of us like he was telling us a secret. We can get as close as you want after I pee but for the moment please move away while my wiener is in the open air.

5. For the great genius designing bathroom layouts. Stop with the awkward urinal placements. Many dive bars are guilty of this transgression. They try to fit in as many as they can in a small place. Now I'm forced to pee standing back to back to the drunk dude with no balance. I can clearly see he is missing his mark and it's making me uncomfortable. Then when I'm done I have to maneuver in some weird metal gear solid way so I don't accidentally induce foreplay with a strange gentleman.

These are all five very real problems that I think can be remedied. It does alleviate some stress to know that while our restrooms look and feel like a men's restroom, rumor has it the women's restroom has a certain methadone clinic in Bosnia atmosphere.