I was lucky enough to attend the recent friendly match pitting Chelsea against Inter-Milan. I had a great time. I was able to see my favorite team without traveling on a plane for more than ten hours. While I enjoyed myself, most around me feigned interest and became anxious in the "uneventful" parts of the game. Shouts of "shoot the ball" came as forwards held the ball well outside the box. I became quite aware then that Soccer has an uphill battle to become one of the bigger sports in America.
Soccer like any sport can be painstaking at times. An ex-hater of soccer I understand why. There is too much nuance to witness. Fans of soccer get excited about a well executed pass or a well received ball. These are not things easily measured. American sports fans want to see results and they want them in number form.
People want to know that someone got a hit, or a sack, or ran for ten yards and got a first down. Soccer may just be too abstract a concept for some of us right now. We tend to ignore the finer, less obvious things in this country. We eat at restaurants and order meals without any thought of the preparation that went into it. This is what a good portion of the 90 minutes of a soccer match is, preparation. What European fans seem to enjoy and what may be lost on all of us is that sometimes the means can be just as enjoyable as the end.
ESPN can show highlight goals to entice viewers of SportsCenter. Eventually though, American fans will have to change the way they take their sports if they are to enjoy the beautiful game. We will be a better sports nation for it.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Bits of Tid IV
SICK
Sometimes I come across something that for lack of a better term is just sick. Redskins WR Keith Eloi simply astonishes with his ability to jump. It usually takes me a few moments to wade myself out of a pool. Eloi can do it in a split second, from a standing position, in three feet of water.
Now if that wasn't crazy, ill, stupid, dope, enough, Eloi takes a crack at getting into the bed of a truck, from a standing position, surrounded by hype men. This clip actually surfaced before the pool clip. Jarron Gilbert (Bears) was the first to jump out of a pool and Eloi wanted to one up him.
Please note that he jumped into the bed of a truck with sandals on. Rest assured that anytime I have sandals on I will not be attempting amazing physical feats.
10 PREMATURE CELEBRATIONS
Maybe your Friday is not going so well. It could be worse.
ALL-TIME BASEBALL MOVIE LINEUP
Lineup
CF Willie Mays Hayes
C Dottie Hinson
SS Marla Hooch
RF Roy Hobbes
LF Pedro Cerano/Max 'Hammer' Dubois
1B Jack Elliot
2B Michael 'Squints' Palledorous
3B Roger Dorn
Pitcher Spot
Rote
Henry Rowengartner
Billy Chapel
Eddie Harris
Kit Keller
Kenny DeNunez
CL
Rick Vaughn
All in all a substantial OBP team. I have Hayes getting on base at a regular clip. He gives pitchers headaches with his speed and tenacity. Hinson is a power hitting righty with a good eye. Her ability to lay off the high ones should allow for more RBI's for our 3-4-5 hitters. Here is where there is some controversy. Both Roy Hobbes and Marla Hooch are natural left handed sweet swingers. I figure the fact that Hooch can switch hit gives us a little leeway at the third position.
My fifth and sixth hitters give me trouble during the season as both Cerrano and Jack Elliot go through dry spells where they can't hit the breaking stuff. The only caveat is when Pedro Cerrano is actually playing 'Hammer' Dubois of the Chunichi Dragons, then he is just solid all around. I just hate that I never know what Dennis Haysbert I am getting before the game you know? Seven and Eight spots go to my defensive specialists. If they get on the base paths well that's just icing on the cake and a real problem for the opposition.
The pitching rotation is just stacked. I have an ace that will consistently throw over 100 m.p.h. in Henry Rowengartner. More than that, I am blessed with some solid vets to show him the way. Billy Chapel has one last year left in him and Harris is best described as crafty. My only problem is Kit Keller who can be a real bitch sometimes especially when she gets traded and her big sister loses the game for the Rockford Peaches on purpose just to satisfy her little sister's humongous ego. What a fuc... Well I digress.
There you have it. Solid!
Sometimes I come across something that for lack of a better term is just sick. Redskins WR Keith Eloi simply astonishes with his ability to jump. It usually takes me a few moments to wade myself out of a pool. Eloi can do it in a split second, from a standing position, in three feet of water.
Now if that wasn't crazy, ill, stupid, dope, enough, Eloi takes a crack at getting into the bed of a truck, from a standing position, surrounded by hype men. This clip actually surfaced before the pool clip. Jarron Gilbert (Bears) was the first to jump out of a pool and Eloi wanted to one up him.
Please note that he jumped into the bed of a truck with sandals on. Rest assured that anytime I have sandals on I will not be attempting amazing physical feats.
10 PREMATURE CELEBRATIONS
Maybe your Friday is not going so well. It could be worse.
ALL-TIME BASEBALL MOVIE LINEUP
Lineup
CF Willie Mays Hayes
C Dottie Hinson
SS Marla Hooch
RF Roy Hobbes
LF Pedro Cerano/Max 'Hammer' Dubois
1B Jack Elliot
2B Michael 'Squints' Palledorous
3B Roger Dorn
Pitcher Spot
Rote
Henry Rowengartner
Billy Chapel
Eddie Harris
Kit Keller
Kenny DeNunez
CL
Rick Vaughn
All in all a substantial OBP team. I have Hayes getting on base at a regular clip. He gives pitchers headaches with his speed and tenacity. Hinson is a power hitting righty with a good eye. Her ability to lay off the high ones should allow for more RBI's for our 3-4-5 hitters. Here is where there is some controversy. Both Roy Hobbes and Marla Hooch are natural left handed sweet swingers. I figure the fact that Hooch can switch hit gives us a little leeway at the third position.
My fifth and sixth hitters give me trouble during the season as both Cerrano and Jack Elliot go through dry spells where they can't hit the breaking stuff. The only caveat is when Pedro Cerrano is actually playing 'Hammer' Dubois of the Chunichi Dragons, then he is just solid all around. I just hate that I never know what Dennis Haysbert I am getting before the game you know? Seven and Eight spots go to my defensive specialists. If they get on the base paths well that's just icing on the cake and a real problem for the opposition.
The pitching rotation is just stacked. I have an ace that will consistently throw over 100 m.p.h. in Henry Rowengartner. More than that, I am blessed with some solid vets to show him the way. Billy Chapel has one last year left in him and Harris is best described as crafty. My only problem is Kit Keller who can be a real bitch sometimes especially when she gets traded and her big sister loses the game for the Rockford Peaches on purpose just to satisfy her little sister's humongous ego. What a fuc... Well I digress.
There you have it. Solid!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Restroom Awkward
I have a problem with some of the etiquette that has been occurring with regularity at the men’s urinal. Many of us men have a keen awareness of the necessary decorum to be used in a public restroom. The rest of us had to learn through trial and error. I submit to you five absurdities I have witnessed and would like to stop seeing.
1. I have seen a grown man at the urinal with his pants at his ankles. I was quite sure this man knew of the awkward position he and I were both in at the time and appreciated the quickness with which he picked up his pants. I would say this was an anomaly if I did not see this act twice in two different locales. Either I am visiting the wrong lavatories or I am doing everything all wrong.
2. For some reason the office restroom is a no holds barred, anything goes atmosphere. Men busy taking a deuce are many times on the phone conducting business like this was a war room on Wall Street. Please refrain from telling your wife to remember to take the kids to piano at the same time you are busy pinching a loaf. It disturbs me that the woman on the other end of this call accepts all your faults including this one.
3. Another office specialty is the old guy reading a paper at the urinal. I understand that your prostate is roughly the size of a Japanese gymnast but please refrain from reading the whole sports page while I’m waiting in line. I hope to never know the pleasure of a ten minute whiz that comes in droplet form but you are making us all anxious.
4. Please use all urinals as place holders. If space permits use the urinal the farthest away. I have a friend that time and again likes to sidle up to any one of us like he was telling us a secret. We can get as close as you want after I pee but for the moment please move away while my wiener is in the open air.
5. For the great genius designing bathroom layouts. Stop with the awkward urinal placements. Many dive bars are guilty of this transgression. They try to fit in as many as they can in a small place. Now I'm forced to pee standing back to back to the drunk dude with no balance. I can clearly see he is missing his mark and it's making me uncomfortable. Then when I'm done I have to maneuver in some weird metal gear solid way so I don't accidentally induce foreplay with a strange gentleman.
These are all five very real problems that I think can be remedied. It does alleviate some stress to know that while our restrooms look and feel like a men's restroom, rumor has it the women's restroom has a certain methadone clinic in Bosnia atmosphere.
1. I have seen a grown man at the urinal with his pants at his ankles. I was quite sure this man knew of the awkward position he and I were both in at the time and appreciated the quickness with which he picked up his pants. I would say this was an anomaly if I did not see this act twice in two different locales. Either I am visiting the wrong lavatories or I am doing everything all wrong.
2. For some reason the office restroom is a no holds barred, anything goes atmosphere. Men busy taking a deuce are many times on the phone conducting business like this was a war room on Wall Street. Please refrain from telling your wife to remember to take the kids to piano at the same time you are busy pinching a loaf. It disturbs me that the woman on the other end of this call accepts all your faults including this one.
3. Another office specialty is the old guy reading a paper at the urinal. I understand that your prostate is roughly the size of a Japanese gymnast but please refrain from reading the whole sports page while I’m waiting in line. I hope to never know the pleasure of a ten minute whiz that comes in droplet form but you are making us all anxious.
4. Please use all urinals as place holders. If space permits use the urinal the farthest away. I have a friend that time and again likes to sidle up to any one of us like he was telling us a secret. We can get as close as you want after I pee but for the moment please move away while my wiener is in the open air.
5. For the great genius designing bathroom layouts. Stop with the awkward urinal placements. Many dive bars are guilty of this transgression. They try to fit in as many as they can in a small place. Now I'm forced to pee standing back to back to the drunk dude with no balance. I can clearly see he is missing his mark and it's making me uncomfortable. Then when I'm done I have to maneuver in some weird metal gear solid way so I don't accidentally induce foreplay with a strange gentleman.
These are all five very real problems that I think can be remedied. It does alleviate some stress to know that while our restrooms look and feel like a men's restroom, rumor has it the women's restroom has a certain methadone clinic in Bosnia atmosphere.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Perspective
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Michael Jackson treated 4 year-olds like bowling balls. Then he made them get on a giraffe and call him Scooby. Let's put this shit in perspective.
I don't know when the "King of Pop" turned into Mother Teresa but hundreds paying homage to his walk-of-fame star and standing hours outside UCLA medical center is just this side of lame. I'm not saying it is perverse. I'm just saying it is without warrant.
My life is too short to have a wake for someone I never met and at best could have been a nice guy and at worse could have had sex with children. I mean I'm sad the music died, but seriously, perspective people. Can we wikipedia for just a second to clarify that "King of Pop" is just a fictional title? We do know there is no real kingdom, right folks? It means he was a genius at making songs and dancing and stuff.
Think about this. He most likely, and when I say most likely its the same as OJ Simpson was "most likely" a murder so its a "most likely" that means the same as "is," with 100% certainty, was a child molester.
He slept with children in his bed and went on national TV and said he felt pretty normal about it, because that's how you "show love." He also "most likely" drank with children and "most likely" had sexual activities with them. So I'm supposed to take that knowledge and throw it out the window because he sang about a fucking mouse (Ben). Jesus Christ people! Mourn the music but lets keep the deification to a minimum.
Again I am sad the music is gone, I really am. And Michael's life did not necessitate me writing this. The reaction that you have shown necessitates this.
To the guy that had pictures of Michael in his office from 1972 and is on my TV right now: I appreciate you went to his concert when you were 15 and it blew your mind. I can't fathom that kind of experience other than probably sex and a really good cheeseburger. It must have been extreme though because you are on CNN right now paying tribute to the same man that saw the movie "The Sandlot" with his pants down and a bottle of Jergen's nearby. Meanwhile all a really good cheeseburger does is continue to be tasty, innocent children unharmed.
Play your music people. I am. I've been bumpin' that mouse song for hours now. I'm just saying do we need to talk about it further than that? Do we need to cry for a man that believed the pinnacle of beauty was to look like Skeletor? I will pour one out for MJ, blast his hits, and leave it at that. You should too.
Spend more time with people in your life that make a real difference. Use the hours you would have taken to go sit at Neverland Ranch for some real good. Macaulay Culkin would have wanted it that way after all.
Michael Jackson treated 4 year-olds like bowling balls. Then he made them get on a giraffe and call him Scooby. Let's put this shit in perspective.
I don't know when the "King of Pop" turned into Mother Teresa but hundreds paying homage to his walk-of-fame star and standing hours outside UCLA medical center is just this side of lame. I'm not saying it is perverse. I'm just saying it is without warrant.
My life is too short to have a wake for someone I never met and at best could have been a nice guy and at worse could have had sex with children. I mean I'm sad the music died, but seriously, perspective people. Can we wikipedia for just a second to clarify that "King of Pop" is just a fictional title? We do know there is no real kingdom, right folks? It means he was a genius at making songs and dancing and stuff.
Think about this. He most likely, and when I say most likely its the same as OJ Simpson was "most likely" a murder so its a "most likely" that means the same as "is," with 100% certainty, was a child molester.
He slept with children in his bed and went on national TV and said he felt pretty normal about it, because that's how you "show love." He also "most likely" drank with children and "most likely" had sexual activities with them. So I'm supposed to take that knowledge and throw it out the window because he sang about a fucking mouse (Ben). Jesus Christ people! Mourn the music but lets keep the deification to a minimum.
Again I am sad the music is gone, I really am. And Michael's life did not necessitate me writing this. The reaction that you have shown necessitates this.
To the guy that had pictures of Michael in his office from 1972 and is on my TV right now: I appreciate you went to his concert when you were 15 and it blew your mind. I can't fathom that kind of experience other than probably sex and a really good cheeseburger. It must have been extreme though because you are on CNN right now paying tribute to the same man that saw the movie "The Sandlot" with his pants down and a bottle of Jergen's nearby. Meanwhile all a really good cheeseburger does is continue to be tasty, innocent children unharmed.
Play your music people. I am. I've been bumpin' that mouse song for hours now. I'm just saying do we need to talk about it further than that? Do we need to cry for a man that believed the pinnacle of beauty was to look like Skeletor? I will pour one out for MJ, blast his hits, and leave it at that. You should too.
Spend more time with people in your life that make a real difference. Use the hours you would have taken to go sit at Neverland Ranch for some real good. Macaulay Culkin would have wanted it that way after all.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Uncle Darrow's
Once in a while I visit an eatery that typifies passion and dedication. I recently visited Uncle Darrow's Cajun eatery and realized why I love this place. The owner Ronald and the rest of the staff just plain care.
Upon entering the establishment you are typically greeted and asked if you are visiting for your first time. If it is, be prepared for a friendly rundown of the menu and some free samples. I would recommend limiting your samples as you will want to order everything you taste.
Here is the overlying problem with Uncle Darrow's. The food is not good for a motivated person. My favorite Po' Boy is the Zeke. It is a combination of bread, fried catfish, fried shrimp, and potato salad. You see, there is no way to get any errands done after eating a sandwich like that. I recently had half a Zeke, jambalaya, and gumbo from Uncle Darrow's. I immediately went home and stared at a wall for three hours.
Normally food of this weight would be hard to get through. It can be easy to over fry or under fry and get the food all greasy. This is far from true at Uncle Darrow's. The seafood is always served hot, fresh, and crispy. My favorite side may just be their File Gumbo, a sopping concoction of shrimp, crab, and sausage with a hint of spice.
Either way I cannot recommend this place enough. I would just pencil in a nap after visiting.
Upon entering the establishment you are typically greeted and asked if you are visiting for your first time. If it is, be prepared for a friendly rundown of the menu and some free samples. I would recommend limiting your samples as you will want to order everything you taste.
Here is the overlying problem with Uncle Darrow's. The food is not good for a motivated person. My favorite Po' Boy is the Zeke. It is a combination of bread, fried catfish, fried shrimp, and potato salad. You see, there is no way to get any errands done after eating a sandwich like that. I recently had half a Zeke, jambalaya, and gumbo from Uncle Darrow's. I immediately went home and stared at a wall for three hours.
Normally food of this weight would be hard to get through. It can be easy to over fry or under fry and get the food all greasy. This is far from true at Uncle Darrow's. The seafood is always served hot, fresh, and crispy. My favorite side may just be their File Gumbo, a sopping concoction of shrimp, crab, and sausage with a hint of spice.
Either way I cannot recommend this place enough. I would just pencil in a nap after visiting.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Laker Bandwagon Getting Full
All Aboard
There they are folks. They range in intimidation factor from hardened criminal to IT administrative assistant. Let's have fun!
The NBA playoffs are a lot like pregnancy. You are excited at first then after nine months you just want to get it over with. The interim is spent on the couch being all gassy.
What some sports would consider the length of a regular season, the NBA considers brief enough for a post season. And here we are at the tail end of it. After 40 games in 40 nights we now have two teams vying for the trophy.
Try as ESPN might to pit this as a Kobe vs. Dwight series, the crucial battle will come down to Lamar/Ariza vs. Turkoglu/Lewis. I guess I could go on spouting statistics and predictions, but I am little irked today.
You see whenever the Lakers make it deep in the playoffs, fair weather fans come out of the woodwork to glom onto the party train. It starts innocent enough, a Laker flag here and a mention of Kobe there. Sure we can all take pride in in DJ Mbenga's disproportionately small head. And yes we can all bask in the glory of Kobe's farts. But it ain't all gravy. Being a complete dork of a fan, I watch all season and revel in both the good and the outright stinky.
Most bandwagoners fail to realize that a little over two years ago Kobe Bryant was determined to run Andrew Bynum out of town. Purple and Gold morale was at an untimely low. The Lakers looked more like the pack that ran with Del Harris then those that capped off a three peat of titles earlier in the decade. There were no tacos at the end of games. A sigh and sense of a relief were our only reward.
Then it all started to come together. That Bynum kid was alright. The Lakers got some momentum going and a playoff berth seemed inevitable. Then tragedy hit. You don't know what it feels like when your young center goes down twice, in the same month, in consecutive years, to the same team. You feel jinxed, You feel doomed.
Then like a spanish Jesus Pau came to save the day. The he ruined the party by getting dunked on frequently in the finals last year. Look, you haven't spent game after game yelling at Lamar Odom for being a no show, then applauding his immense talent, in the same game! Maybe you have witnessed Pau and his offensive prowess. But I know you bandwagoners look away when he diminishes on the defensive end. I do not. I take it all in; every basket, every tech, every 20 point blow out, every 20 point drubbing.
So please forgive me if become a little annoyed at the person on the street wearing a Laker shirt today when yesterday they didn't know when the Finals started. I'm not saying you have to wear purple everyday, just be able to name the last second-round draft pick to start a playoff game for the Lakers. That will do.
There they are folks. They range in intimidation factor from hardened criminal to IT administrative assistant. Let's have fun!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Hollenbeck Burrito
A burrito should strike fear when it is placed before you. That is the main difference between a burrito and some stuff wrapped in a tortilla. A burrito should necessitate a plan of action. You should have to take a second and realize that the plans you may have had for the rest of the day will go unfulfilled. That's a burrito.
I happen to be indulging at the moment in what I and many others find to be the pinnacle of Los Angeles burritos, the Hollenbeck. El Tepeyac, Manuel's to many, has always been a special place to me. My parents would take us when the mood struck and we were good. That's right. When other kids were being taken to the circus or a museum I was being carted off to eat burritos.
The Hollenbeck is about a pound and a half of meat and rice and beans and guacamole all placed perfectly together in a tortilla like a boy band about to go on tour. Like said boy band they rock the shit out of my taste buds. The meat is stewed all day in a red chile sauce giving each bite a tender texture. You get plenty of meat throughout and a ladle is generously portioned on top of the burrito. That's right. After they run out of room stuffing the burrito with meat they scoop some on top. Why? Because more meat won't fit in the burrito, that's why!
When you first get your burrito you immediately realize that it is as big as an infant. Sometimes I don't know whether to eat it or raise it to be something in this world: doctor, lawyer, hell something honorable. I mean at the very least something better than me at this time. I often think my burrito could be a major league baseball star if it just applied itself. Burritos. Right? Ah, you have to let them make their own mistakes I guess.
Immediately after you eat this tortilla baby you are faced with two brutal truths: 1) You now realize you have no self respect and probably could have saved some of that burrito for later but were smitten with the taste of gently stewed pork chunks, and 2) You need to get home as soon as possible.
I happen to be indulging at the moment in what I and many others find to be the pinnacle of Los Angeles burritos, the Hollenbeck. El Tepeyac, Manuel's to many, has always been a special place to me. My parents would take us when the mood struck and we were good. That's right. When other kids were being taken to the circus or a museum I was being carted off to eat burritos.
The Hollenbeck is about a pound and a half of meat and rice and beans and guacamole all placed perfectly together in a tortilla like a boy band about to go on tour. Like said boy band they rock the shit out of my taste buds. The meat is stewed all day in a red chile sauce giving each bite a tender texture. You get plenty of meat throughout and a ladle is generously portioned on top of the burrito. That's right. After they run out of room stuffing the burrito with meat they scoop some on top. Why? Because more meat won't fit in the burrito, that's why!
When you first get your burrito you immediately realize that it is as big as an infant. Sometimes I don't know whether to eat it or raise it to be something in this world: doctor, lawyer, hell something honorable. I mean at the very least something better than me at this time. I often think my burrito could be a major league baseball star if it just applied itself. Burritos. Right? Ah, you have to let them make their own mistakes I guess.
Immediately after you eat this tortilla baby you are faced with two brutal truths: 1) You now realize you have no self respect and probably could have saved some of that burrito for later but were smitten with the taste of gently stewed pork chunks, and 2) You need to get home as soon as possible.
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